Many of us carry a complicated relationship with our mothers. Sometimes the pain is obvious and tied to trauma or neglect. Other times, it shows up quietly in a pull toward perfection, a chronic feeling like you’re “not enough,” or a need to earn love. Many writers and clinicians refer to this pattern as the mother wound, a way of naming how early emotional needs were not met and how that experience can echo across the lifespan and into parenting.

Recognizing the mother wound is not about blame. It is about making meaning of what happened and why certain patterns persist, so that healing and new choices become possible. Therapy offers a safe place to do this work with care and clarity.

What is the mother wound?

The mother wound is a disruption in the caregiving relationship between the mother or primary caregiver and the child. Even when physical needs are met, emotional unavailability or inconsistency can leave lasting beliefs about worth and safety that follow a person into adulthood and relationships (Wisner, 2025). In an article written for Psychology Today, clinician Sherry Gaba, LCSW describes the mother wound as a loss or lack of mothering that can be transmitted through generations and is often linked with people pleasing and codependency in later life (Gaba, 2019).

The mother wound is not a clinical diagnosis. Instead, it is a way of giving language to how early experiences shape us long after childhood. For example, research shows that when children face maltreatment or emotional neglect, they are more likely to struggle with closeness and trust in their later relationships with parents, and these patterns can influence attachment and caregiving in adulthood (Kong & Martire, 2019). Recognizing this helps us connect the dots between what happened in the past and the patterns we may find ourselves repeating today, which also means we can begin to make new choices about how we relate, parent, and care for ourselves.

How the mother wound shows up in adulthood

Common patterns include the following, which you may recognize in your own story.

Low self-esteem and harsh inner talk
People often internalize a critical maternal voice and later speak to themselves similarly. This can sound like “what is wrong with me,” or “I can never get it right.”
Perfection and approval seeking
Many adults describe a lifelong drive to achieve more to gain acceptance or to avoid criticism. The mother wound has been linked with a relentless push to be perfect as a route to relationship approval and safety (Gaba, 2019).
Boundary difficulties and codependency
Trouble saying no, chronic people-pleasing, or swinging between overdependence and extreme independence can reflect early attachment strain. Articles found on both Verywell Mind and Psychology Today list boundary struggles and codependency as frequent expressions of the mother wound in adulthood (Gaba, 2019; Wisner, 2025).
Parentified roles in childhood
Some adults recall feeling responsible for caring for a distressed or emotionally unavailable mother. That role reversal can map onto adult patterns of over-responsibility and self-neglect.
Strained later-life ties with parents
Research shows that when people experience maltreatment as children, their relationships with parents in adulthood are often harder to navigate. Many describe feeling distant, conflicted, or unsure how close they want to be. This reinforces the idea that early pain can keep shaping family bonds well into later life unless it is intentionally worked through (Kong & Martire, 2019).

Real life examples you may recognize:

The high-achieving new manager who panics at minor negative feedback and stays late every night because rest feels unsafe.
The caretaker friend who organizes every get-together but never asks for help and then feels invisible.
The new parent who freezes or overreacts when their child has big feelings because those feelings were not welcomed in their own home.

Each of these patterns makes sense in light of what that person had to do in order to stay connected to a caregiver. They also point to what can heal.

How the Mother Wound Shapes Parenting

When you carry old pain, it does not just affect how you feel inside. It also shows up in how you respond to your children. Maybe you notice yourself shutting down when your child cries, or getting overwhelmed by their big feelings. These reactions often come from experiences in your own childhood, when you did not get the comfort or safety you needed. Researchers sometimes call these “ghosts in the nursery” — the old memories that sneak into present-day parenting unless we bring them into the light (Iyengar et al., 2019).

The hopeful news is that cycles can change. Studies show that even when a mother has experienced hardship or trauma, with the right support, she can learn new ways of caring and connecting. Therapy and other supportive relationships can help parents shift old patterns and create a different experience for their kids (Amos & Segal, 2018).

Another important research finding is the idea of attachment reorganization. This means that even if you grew up with trauma, you can move toward a more secure way of relating by making sense of your past, practicing reflection, and experiencing care in new ways. In fact, one study found that mothers who were actively doing this kind of healing had babies who were more securely attached — even if the mother’s own trauma was not completely resolved (Iyengar et al., 2019).

The bottom line: your story is not fixed. Healing work you do for yourself also gives your children a stronger foundation of safety and connection.

Simple Shifts That Make a Difference

Naming the mother wound is a start. Healing grows through small, repeatable practices that strengthen self compassion, choice, and connection. The following reflections are adapted from public facing evidence based guidance on the mother wound and aligned with attachment informed therapy goals.

Track the inner critic
When you notice harsh self talk, ask whose voice this sounds like. Write down a gentler response you wish you had heard as a child. Verywell Mind notes that recognizing internalized scripts is a key step in change and is often where therapy begins (Wisner, 2025).

Practice self-mothering
Offer yourself what you missed. Rest when tired. Feed yourself on a regular schedule. Speak to yourself with warmth. Create a daily ritual that feels kind, such as a walk without your phone or a cup of tea before bed. Public resources emphasize self care and self compassion as core practices in healing the mother wound and in interrupting trauma linked cycles of self neglect (Wisner, 2025).
Rehearse one boundary
Choose a small boundary that protects your time or energy. For example, I can talk for fifteen minutes today or I will respond to that message tomorrow morning. Psychology Today and Verywell Mind both highlight boundary setting as a central skill for people working through the mother wound and codependency patterns (Gaba, 2019; Wisner, 2025).
Map triggers in parenting
Jot down moments with your child that feel especially activating. Ask what old memory this might stir and what you needed back then. This kind of reflective pause supports mentalization and aligns with attachment-informed strategies that reduce automatic reactions and increase sensitive responses (Iyengar et al., 2019). This is best done with a licensed therapist.
Make meaning of inherited pain
Many mothers struggled because of their own unhealed experiences. Understanding that context can soften self-blame and reduce the urge to repeat the story. This is part of breaking intergenerational trauma and moving toward new patterns of care and safety (Wisner, 2025).

If you like journal prompts, try these this week:

When I hear my inner critic, the words sound like
In this season, one way I can mother myself is
When my child is upset, my first impulse is to and I imagine this comes from
A boundary I can practice this week is

How therapy supports healing

Therapy offers a contained space to name what happened, feel what was not allowed to be felt, and practice new ways of relating. Psychotherapy can be a path for setting healthier boundaries, reframing negative beliefs, and repairing key relationships when possible, with attention to safety and pacing (Wisner, 2025). When you have developed a trusted therapeutic alliance with your therapist, inner child work and boundary building are practical elements of healing the mother wound in therapy (Gaba, 2019).

Healing is not only possible, it can change the way you connect with your children. Studies show that when mothers begin to reflect on their own stories and practice new ways of relating, their children often feel more secure and cared for (Iyengar et al., 2019). Other research has found that support in therapy can interrupt old cycles and help families build healthier patterns in everyday moments like mealtime, play, and bedtime (Amos & Segal, 2018).

At Overture Therapy, our clinicians draw from approaches that fit this kind of healing.

Internal Family Systems helps clients relate to parts of the self that carry criticism, fear, or caretaking burdens with more compassion and choice.
Psychodynamic therapy supports insight into early patterns so they have less power over present relationships.
Somatic and mindfulness practices help the nervous system settle, making new experiences of connection feel safer and more available.

A note on repair between mother and adult child:

When repair with a mother is possible and safe, therapy can scaffold careful conversations. When repair is not possible, therapy helps clients grieve what was missing and build the internal and relational supports that were needed.

An Invitation to Heal

The mother wound can shape self-concept, relationships, and parenting in powerful ways. It can also be healed. Research underscores that patterns are not fate and that children benefit in measurable ways when a parent begins to reorganize attachment and build reflective capacity. Countless public-facing resources offer practical steps that any reader can start today, from self-compassion practices to setting one small boundary. Taken together, these pathways make room for families to choose connection over repetition, and for parents to show up with more steadiness and care for the children in front of them.

Healing the mother wound is not about erasing the past, but about giving yourself and your children a different future.

If this resonates and you want thoughtful support as you sort what is yours to keep and what you can lay down, we are here. Reach out to Overture Therapy to begin.

References

Amos, J., & Segal, L. (2018). Disrupting intergenerational maternal maltreatment in middle childhood. Therapeutic objectives and clinical translation. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 9, 623. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00623

Gaba, S. LCSW. (2019, October 25). The mother wound. Psychology Today.https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/addiction-and-recovery/201910/the-mother-wound

Iyengar, U., Rajhans, P., Fonagy, P., Strathearn, L., & Kim, S. (2019). Unresolved trauma and reorganization in mothers. Attachment and neuroscience perspectives. Frontiers in Psychology, 10, 110. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00110

Kong, J., & Martire, L. M. (2019). Parental childhood maltreatment and the later life relationship with parents. Psychology and Aging, 34(7), 900–911. https://doi.org/10.1037/pag0000388

Wisner, W. (2025, August 19). Yes, you can heal your mother wound. Here is how. Verywell Mind.https://www.verywellmind.com/mother-wound-8695464

The Mother Wound: How Unhealed Pain Shapes How We Show Up for Our Children